Primal Attraction

For dudes, sexual drive leads to social retardation. Seriously.

If cognitive ability were a fifty floor building, complex thinking would take place on the highest levels. Things that happen on floor 50 are concepts like understanding quantum mechanics, theoretical physics, philosophical conversations about morality, and other topics where nuance and complexity are important.

On the other hand, breathing, for instance, is a floor one activity. The elevator needn’t go any higher. Flight or flight is also floor one. The elevator can’t go higher for that. Immediate action is required.

You see where I am going with this?

Sexual attraction only goes to the second floor, tops. A girl walks by in a low cut stop showing ample cleavage? I stare (mmm, Boobs). Exposed legs (how high do those go?), I stare. I sit there for about two or three seconds and just stare before snapping out of it. If I am around a bunch of hot women, I am a social retard at least 50% of the time because my brain gets short circuited.

It’s why guys get busted by their wives for checking out some hottie that walks by. Sure, we know it’s a bad idea to look, but you know what? That part that knows is on floor 25. This thought only went to floor 2, and floor 2 is much more efficient at sending action signals. So by the time floor 25 sends the signal “Hey, dipshit, quick staring at hottie’s ta-ta’s before your girlfriend sees you drool,” it’s too late. She’s already giving the stink-eye. It’s primal, like the Fight or Flight Response. We don’t have any control over our bodies, for a few seconds anyway.

Women must – have to – be more evolved. They have more control over some of the more basic drives, it seems. I’ve heard the old saw, “We do it, we’re just more sly about it.” Bull shit. It doesn’t shut down your brain function like it does ours.

What else does this Floor 2 Strength mean to women? I am hoping some enlightened woman will tell me, but I’ve seen two issues:

• I don’t think the average woman understands why her boyfriend will oogle some other broad’s cans. Well, believe me, he’s not thinking clearly. It’s not a lack of respect, it’s that the elevator is stuck on floor 2.
• I think a lot of women are freaked out by these blank stares they get from guys. And rightfully so. I’ve been stared at by some gay dudes. I know what’s going on, but still, it’s creepy.

I don’t expect you women to be gracious when you catch you guy reacting to a Floor 2 , um err, stimulus, but please understand. It’s the way we’re built. It’s embarrassing, frankly.

So the next time you catch him, the best thing you could do is ask him something to draw his attention to you. A really cool woman would shove his hand down her pants or flash him whisper something like, “I am not wearing underwear.”