I don’t know why I can’t get her out of my head, but I still can’t after 22 years. But, it is not for the reasons you would think.
My freshman year in college, my roommate and I had a bit of a party in my dorm room with lots of friends from other colleges and places, in addition to a few people from our own school. It was the usual…a few beers, a bar visit, then back to the dorm room. As the evening was coming toward a close, my roommate looked around the room and said, “Whoa, we have a large number of people sleeping here tonight…who is sleeping in this room?”
A girl, Heather, whose own dorm room was no more than one hundred yards from mine, who was sitting on my bed replied that she intended to sleep in my room, apparently in my bed. Prior to this, she had not captured my attention…she was just someone partying in our room.
So, the evening wound down, and I got into my bed, and wow, she’s like, into me. We kiss, but really the room is full of people trying to sleep, so I don’t want to do much else. But she wants to full on make-out, so she gets on top of me, which is fine, but she was grinding my hard-on and it was not exactly comfortable. I take my hands and grab her hips and try to push her down to a more comfortable position, but she seems to think I am asking her to give me a BJ. Unable to have the conversation because a) everyone would hear it and b)it would have taken too long to explain that I had a hard on and she was on it and i just wanted her off. I was drunk and tired, so I rolled her off and we slept side by side for the night.
it turns out that Heather was a short, cute, freshman from a state a thousand miles from our college, and was just getting to know people. I really don’t know how she found her way into our room that night, but she kept coming back and to see me. For a week or so, we would fool around a bit, and go grab some food, but no real serious dating. I had just entered college and come out of a high school relationship. She, on the other hand was looking for a Boyfriend with a capital B. At some point, she told me she wanted me to take her virginity. Yes, I wanted sex, but I felt that taking someone’s virginity was a bigger deal than casual sex, and given the differences in what we wanted, it didn’t feel right. I felt that she wouldn’t want to have that experience with me knowing that I did not have the same feelings for her.
A day or so later, I did what I felt was the noble thing, and explained to her that we shouldn’t continue. I didn’t over-explain, but just said i didn’t want a super serious girlfriend. She cried a bit and said she really liked me and wanted a relationship, but held back and tried the soft landing. When it was over I felt good about the course of action. I manned up and took the hard route. I did not have sex with her, then dump her. I was on the side of right and good.
Apparently that’s not how she took it. I heard through the grapevine that she had told people I took advantage of her. That I was a jerk who was only out for sex. Well, that was kind of true, but not without some ethical standards. I mean, she was offering it up, and I said no. I kissed her boobs – that was as far as we got, and she was leading people to believe that I had done the ole’ stick-and-move.
Rather than mount a counter PR offensive, I decided to let her have the narrative over the break up. I mean, I could tell she was hurt and frankly, I had the rest of college and I suspected the truth would overcome the slur. We really did not talk at all the rest of college, despite the fact it was a small school and she and I both went there all four years. She dated some really rich foreign exchange student, I heard.
So, that was that…but for some reason, I can’t forget her. I want to set my name right with her. To let her know, “hey – wait a minute. I was good guy to you! I am sorry you were hurt, but I did the right thing!” Half of me wants to find her on Facebook and shoot her an email, the other half wishes to just forget her. I shouldn’t care about this, but every now and again I think about her.